Let's Make This Moment A Crime
by stripedheart
Summary: Part 2 of Lights and Sounds. On and on and on you wait and oh the days they fade away. And all the nights, they never felt the same.
1. spoiled

**this is prt. II to lights and sounds, after little red corvette. this is a prolouge into the story since some time has passed since the end of the last. thanx for the reviews on the first one.**

**also, since this is a prt II, reading prt I would def help you understand it.**

**and. . .the chapters are still song titles. check 'em out.**

**Spoiled**

three years later

_**i kinda thought i'd be better**_

_**all by myself **_

_**i've never been so wrong before**_

Marissa leaned over to pick up a dirty shirt that Ryan had left on the floor. Again. She glanced down at the ring on her left finger and thoughts of Alex invaded her mind, as usual. And, as usual, Marissa tried to ignore them. It'd been almost three years for chrissakes. Marissa started to sigh, but then stopped, remembering that Ryan was in the room. Being the great husband that he was, he would ask her what was wrong and she wouldn't be able to give him a straight answer.

_**you made it impossible **_

_**for me to ever love somebody else**_

_**and now i don't know what i left you for**_

Alex sighed deeply and fell back on her couch as the latest of her Marissa-like girlfriends stormed out the door. They were all like Marissa, but not quite her. It probably had something to do with that fact that no one could measure up to Marissa Cooper. Alex glanced at the clock and realized that it was time for her to go to work. She got up, grabbed her purse, and yelled to her roommate.

"Be back tonight!" Alex hurried out the door, shoving thoughts of Marissa to the farthest corner of mind. _She probably doesn't even remember me. _Alex thought as she went down the steps.

_**see, i thought that i could replace you**_

_**he can't love me the way you do**_

_**til now I never knew**_

_**baby**_

Marissa smiled at Ryan as he walked out the door to go to work. The second he was gone, Marissa sighed and put down the glass she'd been cleaning. She pulled off her apron and mixed herself a drink. Ever since Alex had left, she'd gone back to drinking to numb her pain. It was incredible how much damage a single week, with a single girl could do. It'd half-destroyed her. Marissa sat down on the couch and drained her drink.

_**i'm spoiled, by your love**_

_**no matter how i try to change my mind**_

_**what's the point it's just a waste of time**_

Alex quickly cleaned a shot glass and returned it to the rack above her head. She smiled and winked at a hot guy staring at her.

"I'll be with you in a second." She called. She turned around, but felt someone's hands in her hair. Scott, the bouncer. Alex automatically compared his touch to Marissa's. _Not close. _She thought guiltily.

_**i'm spoiled by your touch**_

_**the love you give is just to hard to find**_

_**don't want to live without you in my life**_

_**i'm spoiled**_

Marissa fixed dinner for Ryan, carefully cooking his meat perfectly. She cared for Ryan, even if she didn't feel the same exhilarating love that she did for Alex. _She doesn't even remember you. _Marissa tortured herself. Marissa didn't know why she'd married Ryan, but she had and she couldn't change that now. She thought once that maybe she was only holding onto Alex because she was comparing Ryan to her, that Ryan would just always remind her of Alex. So she had left him. Just walked away after four years. But she still dreamed about Alex, still had her face in her head, so she came back. Ryan had taken her back and here she was, still trying to look at Ryan and see the same thing she saw in Alex.

_**i tried to tell myself that i'd be over you**_

_**in a week or two**_

_**but baby **_

_**that was bout a year ago**_

Alex forced a smile and turned to Scott.

"Hey Scott." She said. "Long time, no sex, I mean, see." Scott smiled back.

"Tonight, two." He offered. Alex nodded. Anything to make her forget Marissa, even for a second. She returned to cleaning glasses, but caught sight of the black butterfly on her middle finger. She was always saying she needed to get it taken off, but she couldn't quite bring herself to do it.

_**i've never seen the word love**_

_**so personified**_

_**as i do with you**_

_**and that is why, i just can't let go **_

_**oh no**_

Marissa cleaned up the kitchen while Ryan watched CNN in the den.

"You need anything?" She called, playing the good little wife.

"A scotch would be nice." Ryan answered. Marissa got down a bottle and a glass and slowly poured him some, but a little dripped down the edge and onto her fingers.

"Ahh." She hissed quietly. The alcohol felt like it was burning a hole in her finger. Marissa had just gotten her butterfly tattoo lasered off her middle finger and it was still very sore, a scar burnt into her finger. _I wonder if she still has hers' _Marissa thought as she handed Ryan his drink..

_**and i would only be fooling myself **_

_**if tried to believe there's room**_

_**for someone else in my heart**_

Alex lay in her bed and didn't bother to pull the sheet up over her when she sat up. Scott had seen her to many times for her to be modest anymore. _Marissa was always so modest. _Alex thought randomly. Scott smiled at her.

"See you later girl." He said, like he did every time he left. After he was out the door, Alex sighed and laid back on the bed.

_**there ain't no way i'm getting over you**_

_**i don't know what i've been trying to prove**_

Marissa lay in the darkness of her and Ryan's bedroom. It was about one in the morning, but she was far from tired. She glanced over at Ryan, who slept on the opposite side of the bed. Marissa pulled the covers up to her chin and tried to think about something, anything, other than Alex Kelly. It was these long nights that drove her crazy.

_**i'm hopeless**_

_**helpless**_

_**when it comes to you**_

Alex rolled off her bed. She fell hard on the ground, but it did nothing to jolt Marissa from her mind. Alex sighed and heaved herself up off the ground. She stumbled into the shower and turned the water on cold. Living like this was driving her crazy.

_**i've been spoiled**_


	2. flourescent adolescent

**alright, here's the actual chapter one.**

**CHAPTER ONE: flouresent adolescent**

autumn

Sunlight peeked through the blinds in Marissa's bedroom. She sat up, then yawned and stretched. Letting her feet dangle off the edge of her huge bed, she turned and kissed her husband good morning.

"Hey." He said, his voice gravelley.

"Morning Ryan." Marissa smiled. For some reason it was gorgeous mornings like these that reminded Marissa the most of her mornings with Alex. The way the sunlight danced over Alex's face and made her hair shine. Turned her skin golden and her eyelashes seem even darker. And how Alex would slowly open her eyes and they would smile before her mouth did. And that mouth . .

Marissa pulled herself to the present, but already the morning had lost it's appeal. It had been five years since Alex had left, but sometimes, especially on mornings like these, Marissa missed Alex just as much as she had the day she had left. Marissa smiled at Ryan again, though this time it was more forced. Then, she slid out of bed and walked to their bathroom. She had taken to ignoring any thought she had of Alex, a kind of instinct she had formed over the years the other girl had been gone. Marissa had learned that there was no forgetting Alex.

Alex rolled out of bed and her feet and hands barely hit the ground before her face. That was her way of getting out of bed in the morning. Marissa on the other hand. . . Alex didn't bother trying to stop her random thoughts of Marissa. She had learned a long time ago that they would always be there, in the back of her mind. She figured she could either accept it or get a lobotomy. She chose the cheaper one.

"Morning honey." Rachel, Alex's girlfriend, as well as personal assistant, walked in holding two cups of coffee. Alex smiled gratefully.

"Thanks." She said and leaned forward to kiss Rachel, slow and sweet. She pushed away any thoughts of Marissa. That was another thing Alex didn't allow herself to do. Compare kisses, touches, sex with Marissa to anyone else, because the other person always, always, came out on the losing end. When Alex pulled away from her, Rachel was smiling, her eyes still closed. Alex hadn't ever really moved on from Marissa, she guessed, the other girl just hung around in the back of her brain, whispering doubts and long past wishes. Rachel opened her eyes and handed Alex a piece of paper.

"Appointments." Rachel said, climbing on the bed next to Alex. She pointed to one. "That's about some charity concert that you need to go to with Jeremy Rochester." Jeremy was one of Alex's bigger clients. Being one of the best band managers in LA meant Alex got a few big clients.

"Your going to be staying in Newport for a few days and you have to-" Rachel was cut off by Alex.

"Wait, in Newport?" Alex asked, her mind going over the fact. Rachel nodded and continued, not noticing her girlfriend's sudden silence.

"Yeah, Newport, at the Atwood Hotel." Alex raised her eyebrows.

"As in Ryan Atwood?" Alex was trying to process that. She was going to Newport, where Marissa had lived, or still did for all she knew, a place Alex had been avoiding for years, and she was staying at_ Ryan Atwood's _hotel?

"As in Ryan and Marissa Atwood." Rachel corrected her. "They co-own it."

"So, they're married?" Alex asked, her face losing its color.

"Yeah, why? Do you know them?" Rachel was trying to figure out what was going on. Alex nodded.

"I dated them, both of them actually. First Ryan and then Marissa, while she was dating Ryan." Alex admitted. Rachel raised her eyebrows sympathetically.

"He must really hate you." She commented. Alex shook her head.

"He probably still doesn't know." She admitted, smirking, and Rachel laughed.

"Well you and Marissa have fun keeping it a secret, cause she's your PR." Alex turned to face Rachel.

"You mean she's gonna be there? The whole time? All the time?" Alex didn't know what to think. Happy? Nervous? Excited? Scared out of her fucking mind?

"Yeah, that's what a PR does." Rachel said. Alex looked down at the sheet of paper for a while.

"Look, if you don't want to see your exes, I'm sure we can get someone else to go." Rachel offered, seeing Alex's hesitation. Alex shook her head.

"I'll go." She said. The truth was, Alex wanted to see Marissa. She wanted to find out if the girl she had loved for so many years was still someone Alex wanted to love. Maybe they would see each other and Alex would realize that she didn't love Marissa any more. Or maybe everything that had happened five years ago would just happen again.

Either way, Alex Kelly was going back to Newport.


	3. something about you

**disclaimer: i disclaim all of the characters, songs, movies, and television and anything that doesn't belong to me that i might refer to or mention at any point in this entire story. **

**ok, got that over with.**

**CHAPTER TWO: something about you**

Marissa ran her fingers through her hair and then rearranged some flowers in the lobby of her and Ryan's hotel. Jeremy Rochester was a big client and would bring in a lot of business and Marissa wanted her hotel to look amazing. She sat down on one of the couches and scanned a list she held in her hands. Her assistant had given it to her in the morning, but Marissa had only glanced at it a couple of times. _Shit._ She thought. She had completley forgotten to put toothbrushes and toothpaste in Jeremy's hotel room. Like they couldn't bring their own toothbrushes.

She stood up quickly and glanced at the clock across the room. 2:03 Jeremy, his manager, and all of his entourage would be there at 2:30. She had plenty of time. Marissa quickly crossed the room to the elevators. She stepped inside and pushed floor 14. Then, she turned to her right and came face to face with Jake Rivers.

Alex leaned her head back in her airplane chair and put her feet up on the seat in front of her. She felt someone looking at her and opened her right eye a little to look at Jeremy Rochester, who was sitting in the window seat next to her. He sat there staring at her.

"What?" She asked, raising an eyebrow, but smiling a little . He smiled back.

"Your the hottest manager I've ever had." He commented easily. Alex grinned.

"You got lucky." Alex said, closing her eyes again. Again, she felt him looking at her. This time she didn't even open her eyes. "What?"

"We'd make a hot couple." Jeremy stated. Alex snorted.

"I'm taken." She said. '_As if', _she thought.

"Taken by a girl." Jeremy said, his voice conveying all of his teenage hormones. Alex raised her eyebrows, eyes still closed. She couldn't help but grin at his obvious fascination.

"No, I'm not going to make out with her in front of you." Alex told him.

"Damn." Jeremy said under his breath. The stewardess came over the intercom.

"We are about to land. Please buckle your seat belts." Alex slid her feet off the chair in front of her and buckled her seat belt. _Here goes._ She thought.

Marissa automatically took a step back from Jake. She sometimes had nightmares about that night five years ago. The way the night had turned out with Alex had pushed away most of the foul memories and replaced them with bittersweet ones. But to have him standing there, real and in the flesh, still as big and strong as ever, was scaring the hell out of Marissa.

"Jake." She said, her voice and hands shaking. Jake averted his eyes.

"I was kinda hoping to see you." he said. "Since you own the hotel and all." Marissa managed to nod. "Look, I'm so sorry about that night and I feel terrible, but I can't change it and I don't except you to forgive me. I just thought that I should say that I'm sorry." Jake finished his short speech and looked Marissa in the eyes. "I am sorry." He said and Marissa could hear the sincerity in his voice, as much as she wanted to deny it. As much as she wanted to hate him.

"You're right." Marissa said softly. "I can't forgive you." She pushed the button for the floor nearest to the one they were passing and the doors opened quickly. She stepped out and Jake started to follow her. "Don't." She said and went down the hall quickly, leaving Jake standing in the doors of the elevator.


	4. temporary

**CHAPTER THREE: temporary**

Alex tossed her bags onto the van that was taking their luggage to the hotel. Alex, however, got to ride in the classic limo waiting a few feet away. She strode over and ducked through the doors. There were ten or so people in the car. The band, Jeremy, Alex, a couple lucky groupies. Alex knocked on the window separating the driver from the passengers, to signal the driver to go. The limo pulled off.

"So." Alex said, interrupting the rest of the group. "We're going to check into the hotel and eat lunch, and then we have rehearsal at the Bait Shop, where you're playing." The band nodded and Jeremy winked. Alex rolled her eyes and looked out the window.

Marissa was almost running down the halls. Seeing Jake had really shook her up. She yanked open the door to the stairs and ran down a few flights. Finally, she dropped to the floor and cried. She didn't know why it bothered her so much, because she had barely thought about him in the past five years, but here she was, crying on the floor. He had been such a good guy and to have him betray her like that had really hurt. She let the sobs take over her.

After a while she managed to catch her breath. She ran her fingers through her hair and reached in her purse to check out her reflection. She looked like hell. But what was she expecting? She dried her face and put on a little makeup, but nothing could hide the fact that she had been crying. Finally, she gave up and stood up. She would go find Ryan, who would make her feel better. She opened the door to the lobby.

Alex pointed out her bags to the bellhop who had come out to help her. Jeremy needed three bellhops for all of his luggage. All of them were standing right in front of the hotel's doors, unloading their stuff from the van.

"What room?" The bellhop asked her. Alex frowned. Her mind was spinning with the excitement and fear of seeing Marissa again for the first time in five years.

"I think its 1403." Alex finally told him.

"Actually its 1407." Alex heard a slightly familiar voice say. She turned toward the lobby doors to see Ryan Atwood standing there, hands in pockets. Alex grinned, actually happy to see him.

"Hey." Alex said and ran over to hug him.

"Its been a long time." Ryan said pulling back.

"Yeah." Alex agreed. She peeked around Ryan's shoulder. "Where's the wife?" Ryan raised his eyebrows.

"So you heard?" He asked, waiting for a reaction.

"Yeah, where's my wedding invitation?" Alex turned her attention back to Ryan as they walked through the front doors. She was surprised at how comfortable she was with him, considering she had slept with his wife. . . and more than once for that matter.

"It was a small ceremony." Ryan explained. Alex was disbelieving.

"In Newport?" She asked. "No such dream. But its fine. I probably wouldn't have come anyway." Actually, she definitely wouldn't have come. And she probably would have ruined the wedding by making out with the bride. They walked into the lobby and Alex felt her mouth drop. "Oh my god. This is amazing!" She exclaimed. "It looks gorgeous." Ryan grinned, which was unusual for him.

"Thanks." He said. "It's all Marissa. I just do the money. Wait till you see your room. The view's fantastic." Alex laughed.

"You sound like my realtor. Which is not a good thing." Ryan laughed with her, but then saw two little boys playing catch by a vase.

"I'll be right back." He said and walked off._ Jesus he's grown up. _Alex thought as she sat down. Someone passed by her, almost hitting her legs.

"Sorry." The guy apologized and Alex looked up into his face. He seemed familiar, but it took Alex a second to recognize him as Jake Rivers, the guy that had almost raped Marissa. The look on his face was unreadable, but he seemed preoccupied and didn't even bother looking at Alex when he apologized. She was looking at him curiously when something behind him caught her eye. Marissa Cooper.


	5. heal over

**CHAPTER FOUR: heal over**

Marissa stood behind the door to stairs, peeking out at the last person she would have expected to see in her hotel lobby. The absolute last person. Alex Kelly. Marissa just stood there for a second, soaking in how Alex looked, her mouth, her body, her smile, which was right now directed at Marissa's husband.

Then, Ryan walked off and Marissa found herself looking at one of the oddest scenes she'd ever seen. Her would-be rapist and the love of her life, who shared one of the most painful night of memories Marissa could think of. Marissa brought her gaze back to Alex, and found Alex looking straight into her eyes. It was a look that Marissa dreamed about, that haunted her nights, and that had driven her crazy during their week together. No one else seemed to look right into Marissa quite like Alex Kelly. It set her body on fire and at the same time made her mind perfectly calm.

They just stared for a moment, each taking in the other, their first tantalizing glimpse of each other in five long years. Other people walked in between them, but neither girl really noticed. Then, Ryan walked back to Alex and stood directly in between the two girls.

Marissa took a deep breath, suddenly realizing that she had barely breathed the entire time she had been looking at Alex. She stepped backward and closed the door quietly. She turned and put her back to it, then slid down to sit. Alex was back? Alex was talking to her husband? Why hadn't she known? Shouldn't she have known? Ryan didn't seem that surprised to see Alex there, here. A million and one questions flooded her mind and she couldn't slow down any enough to answer them.

Alex sat on the couch silently, looking around Ryan at the closed door to the stairs. She was vaguely aware that Ryan was saying something to her, but she was completley ignoring him. It wasn't her fault, really, she just couldn't seem to concentrate on anything but Marissa. She finally forced herself to look away from the closed door and up at him.

"Hmm?" She asked and Ryan frowned a little. Before he could say anything, Alex put up a hand. "I've got to go check on the band and Jeremy. I'll be back in a second." Alex lied. She stood up quickly and practically pushed Ryan out of the way.

"I'll see you later?" Ryan called after her as Alex walked toward the doors. Alex just waved over her shoulder. The second she was out the door she turned and looked out around the edge. For a few seconds Ryan stood by the couch in the lobby, confused. But then he turned and went through one of the management doors.

Alex walked back inside and threaded through the lobby toward the stairs door. Once there she paused, considering something, her hand over the knob. Finally, she turned it and pushed. Something was stopping it from moving, but Alex felt it give way and she walked inside. Marissa stood right inside the door. Her makeup was smeared, her eyes slightly red and Alex had a very good guess at why, or who, she'd been crying.

"C'mere honey." Alex said, holding her arms out to Marissa instinctively. Marissa felt more tears come and she practically fell into Alex's arms. _You've got a girlfriend, she's got a husband._ Alex thought, but that was the last she thought of Rachel for hours.

Alex held her as close as possible, Marissa's face in the crook of Alex's neck. "It's okay Riss." She said softly, slipping back into old times and old memories. Alex just wanted to make the younger girl feel better. Finally, Marissa pulled away to look Alex in the face. Alex reached up to brush away a few scattered tears.

"Hi." Marissa said a little awkwardly, still only a couple inches away form Alex's face.

"Hey." Alex returned. They didn't say anything for a second, and Alex could feel the tension, sexual or otherwise, crackling between them. Then, she slowly leaned forward. It wasn't impulsive, wasn't sudden or shocking. It was just right and maybe a little expected.

Their lips met for only a half a second before Alex pulled back, unwillingly. Marissa was married after all, and the last thing Alex wanted was to ruin her happiness. But when Marissa leaned forward again Alex wasn't afraid to kiss her hungrily. It had been five long, lonely years and dreams of this were all Alex had had to hold on to.

"I have a husband." Marissa said between kisses.

"I have a girlfriend" Alex added, but neither girl paid much attention to those statements. They were only words. Alex slid her fingers through Marissa's hair, letting it fall through her fingers. She ran her right hand up Marissa's neck, barely touching her soft skin. Then, Marissa put both of her hands on Alex's waist and pushed her back against the wall.

Alex's brain was spinning, partly from lack of oxygen, but mostly from the unbridled joy of feeling the other girl in her arms. Alex wasn't one to be melodramatic, but Marissa was setting her off in a way no one else did. Marissa slid one hand up Alex's shirt, letting her nails softly graze Alex's skin. Her mouth moved to Alex's neck. Alex let out a soft moan, her hands still in Marissa's hair.

Apparently Marissa had had some practice with Ryan. Alex rolled Marissa over, pushing her against the wall and felt Marissa's hands slid down her back to settle on her butt. Alex grinned into her and Marissa's kiss and felt Marissa grin back.

Alex's hand started up Marissa's skirt when a door slammed somewhere above them. Alex felt Marissa's hands leave her body and forced herself to pull back. She glanced up to meet Marissa's sea green eyes.

"I'm sorry, I just can't. I don't know why I-" Marissa stopped, her voice choked slightly with emotion. Alex nodded, taking another step back from those slightly familiar words. Marissa ran her hands through her tousled brown hair. Her face was still streaked with tears, but there was passion in her eyes. "I don't know how you feel or how I feel or what I want, so I-" she stopped again, biting her lip and glancing away. "I don't want to hurt you." She whispered. Alex looked at her one more time and then stepped closer. Marissa pulled back a bit, not sure what Alex was doing.

"I just. . ." Alex started, but then trailed off, her hand coming up to touch Marissa's face. She leaned in, kissing her slowly and softly, her lips barely touching Marissa's. That simple, sweet kiss seemed to stretch on and on. When Alex finally pulled away there were fresh tears in Marissa's eyes, but there was nothing Alex could do about those. "Now you know how I feel." Alex said. She gave Marissa a bittersweet half-smile and walked through the door to the lobby.


	6. smile like you mean it

**CHAPTER FIVE: smile like you mean it**

Marissa stood just inside the door to the stairs, leaning against the wall. She closed her eyes slowly and breathed out. After all those years of wondering, here was her answer, and she had no idea what to do with it. She slid down the wall and wrapped her arms around her legs. Right now she just needed to think things through.

Alex walked through the stair door quickly and purposefully. She flashed a smile to one of the band members who was walking toward the elevator with a guitar case. When she got to the lobby doors she found Jeremy being mobbed by a ton of screaming teenage girls. He was grinning ear to ear and signing autographs when Alex grabbed his arm.

"You've got band practice in thirty." She practically yelled in his ear. He nodded and finished an autograph, then followed her inside.

"So where's the Bait Shop?" He asked, still waving to the girls outside. Alex pulled him away from the doors.

"A few miles from here." She said. "I'll have a car outside waiting. You need to go take a shower and change your clothes." The younger guy finally focused his attention on Alex.

"You wanna share that shower with me?" He asked, then winked. Alex gave him a look and he just laughed. "Whatever." He said and headed toward the elevator. "If you change your mind, you know where I am!!" He called over his shoulder and Alex had to laugh.

Ryan stood in the doorway and watched Alex laugh with Jeremy Rochester. _She's grown up. _He thought, echoing the words she had said to him years ago. And she had. She had grown up, but she hadn't let go of her past yet and that was her problem. Only, Ryan didn't know any of that. He just saw her and saw the look in her eyes that only time and memories can give. He pushed the door open and went out to Alex.

"Have you seen Marissa?" He asked, looking around as if Alex was hiding her. Alex shook her head, but something in her eyes betrayed her.

"Are you sure?" Ryan asked. Alex nodded.

"Yeah, where is she? I haven't seen her in years." Alex glanced around the lobby a bit, but Ryan eyed her suspiciously. Finally, he shook it off. Why would Alex lie about that?

"I forgot you were friends that week you were here." Ryan said, remembering. "Why'd you leave so soon?" Alex shrugged.

"Personal stuff." She said shortly, leaving it at that and Ryan nodded. Alex flashed him a grin. "So where's the best place to eat around here?" She asked, easing the tension. But everything Ryan said after that went through one ear and out the other. Her mind was elsewhere, with a certain brunette.

Marissa finally got up the nerve to open the stair door, her face dry, her eyes clear. She took a confident step out, but that was all a ploy. She was completley thrown off by seeing Alex and so confused. She knew that she loved Ryan, but couldn't tell if it was romantic or a friendship anymore. Marissa looked up to see Ryan walking toward her, Alex was behind him, standing awkwardly by a couch.

Marissa flashed Ryan a fake smile, the same one she'd been using for years. Once in a while he did something that brought out a real smile, but there was no permanent grin or half-smile that Alex had given her. Marissa tilted her head up and kissed Ryan quickly. He smiled down at her and put his hand on the small of her back.

Marissa watched Alex's face slowly grow cold, her eyes flick away from the scene of quiet intimacy. When Alex glanced back her gaze was far away. Apparently, she had just realized that Marissa and Ryan were married, that they weren't faking their affection and Ryan, at least, wasn't faking his love. And that they had everything that went along with being married. Everything. Marissa glanced up at Ryan and they started toward Alex.

As Ryan and Marissa made their way toward her, Alex had an odd impulse to flee. Which was weird, because when it came to the fight or flight instinct Alex usually went with fight. Love makes you do the wacky. Plus, an uncontrollable image of Ryan and Marissa in bed together was making Alex green with envy and disgust. Marissa was hers, her brain told her. Which was completley crazy.

But Alex stuck it out, flashing Ryan a smile, and then breaking out into a real one when she saw Marissa. It had never been something she could hide. Her girlfriends had called it different things, 'the other woman smile', the 'space out smile'. It was something she did when she thought of Marissa, but now . . seeing her. It was a whole different animal.

Alex couldn't resist reaching out for hug and, while Ryan smiled, happy that his wife and his old friend were getting along, Marissa and Alex's thoughts were on something completley different. Something along the lines of touch and kiss and sheets and sand and butterflies.

They're tantalizingly brief touch was screwing with their brains. Neither of them could control their thoughts and when they pulled away and glanced at each other Alex raised a suggestive eyebrow and Marissa blushed. They both knew what the other was thinking of. Ryan watched this exchange, confused, but pushed it away.

"So, do you want to get something to eat?" He asked, looking from Alex to Marissa. Marissa nodded.

"Sure, where?" She asked, but Alex shook her head.

"Can I take a rain check? I have to go to the Bait Shop with Jeremy." Alex asked and explained. Marissa smiled, hiding her disappointment.

"Sure, let's do it another time." Marissa agreed. Alex shrugged.

"I can do dinner." She offered. Ryan fake cringed.

"I can't do that." He said and then his face lit up. "But you two could go, catch up or something. There's the Mack ball tonight at the hotel." The girls glanced at each other.

"I don't think-"

"I really can't-" they both started, but Ryan cut them off.

"It'll be great." He said. "Look, we've already got two tickets and I'll get Alex a ride. You'll have a good time." Alex wanted to say something, but didn't want to hurt Ryan's feelings.

"Alright." She agreed reluctantly. Her mind was racing to find a way out of this, but the problem was, she wanted to go. She had missed Marissa so much that it was impossible to even think of those first few months without her. Now a chance to spend a whole evening with her? Alex knew it wouldn't be that easy, but her heart said it would. What had happened to cynical? Marissa nodded as well.

"Eight? " She asked and Alex agreed. Just then Jeremy Rochester came up. He winked at Marissa and wrapped an arm around Alex, who rolled her eyes, but didn't try to move it.

"What happened to a shower?" Alex asked and Jeremy shrugged.

"I didn't have anyone to share it with." He answered coyly. In Marissa's frantic mind this signaled that the two were sleeping together. Alex caught a glimpse of Marissa's flash of feelings smiled. 'No!!' She mouthed, making a face and then grinning.

The two guys chatted about some car in Jeremy's last video and the two girls regarded each other subtly. That single mouthed word erased all of Marissa's doubts and created so many more. Alex wasn't dating Jeremy. _Ok, she knew that_. Alex could still read her like a book. _Obviously_. Alex was still as forward as ever. _Apparently. _And Alex still loved her. _God only knows._ Marissa sighed and turned back to the boys, who were so much simpler.


	7. grace kelly

**CHAPTER SIX: grace kelly**

Marissa stood in front of her mirror, holding her hair up, then letting it fall down. She and Alex were going to the ball and she wanted to look gorgeous. The thing was, Alex had always thought Marissa was gorgeous, no matter what she wore, so all this getting ready was pointless. Marissa could have gone in jeans and a paint-stained shirt and Alex still would have flashed her that loving smile. So Marissa was absolutely clueless as to what to wear.

She had finally decided on a long light green dress that matched her eyes perfectly. Marissa glanced over at the clock. 7:07. Less than an hour. Damn, she was obsessing. She had tried to work after Alex had gone, but she couldn't seem concentrate at all. Finally, she had just gotten her stuff and left, one of the perks of being a manager. Marissa slipped off the dress and pulled on a tank and pajama pants. She fell back on her bed and closed her eyes. God, she was obsessing. Her eyes flicked open when the phone suddenly rang. Alex?

Alex rifled through her suitcases, trying to find something to wear to the 'Mack Ball', whatever the hell that was. She gave up, sighing and sat back on her heels. She glanced up at Alyssa who was looking down at her, amused.

"Having some trouble?" Alyssa asked. Alex offered a frustrated smile.

"I have nothing." She said. "What is this ball thing anyway?" Alyssa raised her eyebrows.

"Old rich people dancing and getting drunk." Alyssa informed her. Alex sighed.

"I'm going to have a blast." She said sarcastically. She went back to her suitcases. Alyssa watched her, an amused look on her face.

"You really missed her." The facts dawning on Alyssa.

"Who?" Alex asked, playing dumb. Alyssa raised her eyebrows.

"You know exactly who." She said, sitting on the bed. "And your freaking out because you have to see her again." Alyssa looked at the clothes scattered around the room, Alex sitting in the middle of them. "Oh my god, your in love with her." Alyssa said grinning. Alex shook her head, denying it.

"No, it's not like that. I don't- that doesn't even- what are you-" She stumbled through her words, not meeting Alyssa's eyes for more than a second, which only caused Alyssa's grin to widen.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Alyssa asked. "Get ready, go get your girl." Alex sighed.

"Hello?" Marissa asked, picking up the phone, hoping it was Alex.

"Hey babe." Ryan said. "Are you feeling okay?" Marissa sighed at the sound of his voice.

"I'm fine, why?" She asked, picking at the bedspread.

"You left work early." Ryan said. "Do you want to cancel that date with Alex?"

"No." Marissa said quickly, then calmed herself. "I was just a little tired." She explained. Marissa could almost see Ryan nod.

"Alright, love you hon." He said.

"Love you too." Marissa answered automatically. She hung up.

Alex sat surrounded by clothes. Alyssa had left a few minutes ago, with Alex just as screwed. She glanced toward the phone, considering calling Marissa and asking her what to do. Marissa was always good at this fancy clothes shit. Finally, Alex stopped thinking about it and just did it. It rang twice before Marissa picked up.

"I told you Ryan, I'm fine." Her voice was a bit stressed.

"Why wouldn't you be fine?" Alex asked, smiling. There was silence on the other line for a moment.

"You know exactly why Alex." Marissa said, her voice going all soft and thoughtful. Alex felt her heart break all over again.

"You still recognize my voice?" Alex asked randomly. _I dream about your voice._ Marissa wanted to say, but she didn't. God she was melodramatic these days.

"Yeah, you recognize mine." Marissa answered. Alex smiled because it was true.

"Do you still have that tattoo?" Alex asked, looking down at hers. Marissa sighed, not wanting to answer. She changed the subject instead.

"Why all the questions? What do you need?" Marissa asked, looking at the ugly scar on her finger.

"I need something to wear tonight." Alex got on subject.

"Ok." Marissa agreed, "I'll bring something by the hotel in a few minutes." She was mentally going through her closet to find something gorgeous for Alex to wear. But then, Alex looked gorgeous in anything.

"Thanks." Alex said and silence hung between them for a minute.

"Alright, bye." Marissa finally said.

"See you." Alex said and quickly hung up the phone.


	8. answering bell

**CHAPTER SEVEN:answering bell**

Marissa slid into her car, wearing her long green dress, her face already made up. She carefully put Alex's dress in the seat next to her. Her heart was still spinning from Alex being back. She pulled out her phone and dialed Alex's cell. The voice mail came on after a few rings.

"Hey, this Alex and Rachel, leave your message." Alex's voice and another girl's voice said. Marissa froze.

"Uh. . hey its, um. Marissa, I'll be at the hotel in a few minutes or so. So. . .uh, bye." She snapped the phone shut and tossed it onto Alex's dress. _She said she had a girlfriend. _ Marissa told herself, angry that she had frozen like that. She wasn't supposed to be jealous, wasn't supposed to care that Alex had a girlfriend. But she also wasn't supposed to love Alex and you could see how well that was working. She flicked the radio on to some station and tried to stop thinking.

Alex turned the shower on in her bathroom. She went back into her room and took her shampoo out of her bag. When she was back in the bathroom she thought she heard her cell ringing and she poked her head around the door, but didn't hear anything. She shrugged, stripped, and stepped into the shower. The water was nice and hot, but she'd only been in for a few minutes before someone buzzed at the door.

"Jeremy, you knock every time I turn on the water!! I'm not taking a shower with you!!!" She called out to him. Then she heard the door open and she stepped out and wrapped a tiny towel around herself. She walked into the room to see Marissa standing in her main room. The two stood in silence for a second, taking each other in.

Marissa's eyes traveled from Alex's wet hair to the towel barely covering her, to her gorgeous legs, to her black toenails. Marissa just wanted to throw her on the nearest bed and kiss every inch of her. Alex looked at Marissa, perfect dress, perfect hair, perfect face, and all she wanted to do was tear the dress off of her, tousle her hair and smear off all the makeup. It was an odd desire and Alex was losing the fight to resist it. Marissa dropped the dress she was holding onto the chair.

"I can't do this." She said. "I love Ryan." She stated. "I love Ryan." She said quietly to herself. She turned toward the door, but a simple word from Alex made her freeze.

"Wait." Was all Alex said. "Let me get dressed and we'll talk, ok?" Alex suggested. Marissa started to say no, but Alex cut her off. "We really need to talk." Alex stated. Marissa finally nodded and Alex walked into her bedroom and closed the door.


	9. as lovers go

**CHAPTER EIGHT: as lovers go**

Alex pulled a t-shirt over her head and slipped on a pair of jeans. She was trying to figure out why the hell she had told Marissa to stay. What was she going to say to her? I love you? I've loved you for years? Alex knew Marissa already knew that and apparently she didn't care. She was with Ryan wasn't she? So how was Alex going to change her mind? Should she even try to change her mind? She was married for chrissakes, and Alex didn't date married men or women. But apparently there was an exception, Marissa. Alex just couldn't seem to keep away.

Marissa took a seat on the couch and ran her fingers along the seams of the couch. She could vividly remember the first time she had sat on one of Alex's couches. Her mind drifted.

_"Alex." She called, looking around. "Hey Alex!"_

_"Hold up!" Marissa heard a voice call. She walked over to the main room and sat down on a beat-up old sofa. Just being in the same house as Alex as giving her chills, but you know, the good kind of chills. A few minutes later Alex walked into the room, wearing pair of ripped jeans, a Franz Ferdinand shirt, and a pen stuck behind her ear._

_"Hey." Alex said, brightening up when she saw that it was actually Marissa sitting on her couch. _

_Marissa sat back on the couch, but squealed suddenly and shot up._

_"Something bit me!" She said, putting her hand on the small of her back. and practically dancing around the room. Alex started laughing, but stopped when Marissa glared at her. Alex smiled apologetically and crawled over to the sofa to find whatever had 'bit' Marissa. Marissa hung over Alex's shoulder, watching carefully. Alex was having some trouble concentrating with Marissa standing so close. She could feel the brunette's breath in her ear. Marissa's face was so close to Alex's. Alex stopped crawling and sat up a little, unconsciously trying to get closer to Marissa. Marissa leaned close to Alex, inhaling her scent, her lips a centimeter from the blonde's neck.. There was a freckle right behind her ear. She was barely resisting the urge to kiss the older girl right . . .on. . . that. . . freckle. Marissa slowly leaned closer. 'What the HELL?', she thought quickly pulling away, her heart racing_

Marissa's brain skipped forward a few minutes.

_Alex moved her lips on Marissa's and brought her hand up to the brunette's cheek. Marissa ran her fingers through Alex's hair and returned the kiss, just as fiercely. Marissa was glowing and she grinned into the kiss. Alex smiled back, both of them completely forgetting the world around them._

Marissa pulled herself back to the present when she heard the door to Alex's bedroom open quietly. She looked up to see Alex paused at the door, wearing the exact Franz Ferdinad t-shirt from five years ago.

"I was just thinking about-", Marissa started to say, but stopped. She was used to saying whatever came to her mind while she was with Alex, confident in the fact that Alex would accept whatever she said and love her anyway. That habit wasn't working out to well for her. Alex raised her eyebrows ad glanced down at her t-shirt, where Marissa was staring.

"Our first kiss?" Alex guessed correctly. "I was wearing this shirt, wasn't I?" Then Alex looked at Marissa's hands fiddling with the couch.

"The first time you were on my sofa?" It was scary how well Alex could read Marissa, even though they'd only been together for a week, years ago. Marissa nodded mutely. '_Our first kiss.' _Marissa thought. She and Alex were the only ones who knew about it. Like a little sweet secret between them. Alex sat down in one of the armchairs. Marissa found words slipping out that she hadn't thought anyone would ever hear.

"You were looking in the sofa for that needle and I was standing behind you and all I could think about was this little freckle behind your ear and I just wanted to kiss it. . ." Marissa trailed off, looking off out the window. Alex grinned.

"I do not have a freckle behind my ear." She said.

"Yes you do" Marissa said, grinning back. "I definitely remember it. I don't think I ever kissed it though." Alex laughed.

"One your regrets?" She joked, but Marissa was quiet, staring off into space.

"Actually, yeah." She said softly, smiling at Alex. "So, what did you want to talk about?" She asked, but Alex was still stuck on the freckle statement.

"Huh?" She asked, then remembered. "Oh yeah. I just . . " She stopped, considering what to say. "I guess I just didn't want you to leave."

"Well it'd be the first time I left." Marissa said. Alex shot her a hurt look, but quickly hid it.

"So, are we going to this party?" Alex asked and Marissa nodded.

"Yeah, here's your dress. I just need to go do something and then I'll be back." Alex shrugged.

"Give me a sec, I'll go with you." she offered and Marissa nodded.

"I'll wait downstairs." Marissa said and went out the door before Alex could stop her again. She knew that if Alex had said a single word she would have stayed. Stayed all night.


	10. everything you ever wanted

**CHAPTER NINE: everything you ever wanted**

Alex heard the front door close as she stepped into her bedroom. She looked down at the dress in her hands and sighed. She didn't particularly like dressing up. She tossed the dress on the bed and went back out the door, deciding to change when they got back. Besides, that would cut more time off the ball. She picked up her blinking cell phone off the table and locked the door behind her. The screen on her cell said voice mail and she punched a few numbers, standing outside of the elevator.

"You have one voice mail." The computerized voice said. Alex punched another number as the elevator doors opened. A familiar voice came on and Alex stepped into the empty elevator.

"Uh. . hey its, um. Marissa, I'll be at the hotel in a few minutes or so. So. . .uh, bye." Alex could hear the hesitation in Marissa's voice and wondered at it, then remembered the message on her cell. Her and Rachel's message. _God, that must have confused her._ Alex thought as the doors opened to the lobby and she stepped inside, slipping the cell into her pocket.

She caught sight of Marissa standing by the doors, staring off outside. The younger girl looked thoughtful and wasn't expecting Alex to be downstairs for a few more minutes. Alex took advantage of that and leaned against the wall, watching Marissa.

Marissa stood by the doors watching people walk in and out on their way to god knows where. She wasn't thinking about them anyway. She was thinking about Alex Kelly, the only person who had been on her mind for the last ten hours. Her and occasionally Ryan.

The fact that Marissa could not get the blonde out of her head or her heart was starting to make her angry. No, not angry, frustrated. She was supposed to love Ryan, supposed to want to be with him, but she was supposed to be a lot of other things too, wasn't she? She hadn't done half of those, so why did she feel so obligated to Ryan, so tied to him?

She couldn't figure it out for the life of her. Maybe it was because he had been her knight in shining armor, pulling her back the edge so many times. Or maybe it was because he was her best friend and she didn't want to hurt him. Either or neither way, she couldn't seem to let go of him or the safety he represented, and dive into Alex and her careless life.

She felt someone's eyes on her and Marissa turned to see Alex leaning next to the elevator, watching her as if she was going to disappear any minute now. _But then again. _Marissa thought, _She always looks at me like I'm the reason she's smiling._ Marissa couldn't help but smile when Alex flashed her a grin.

Alex pushed herself up off the wall and walked over to Marissa.

"Ready to go?" Alex asked, walking out the glass doors. Marissa followed.

"Why are you asking me that? And where's your dress?" Marissa asked, taking in Alex's jeans and t-shirt.

"The less time in that thing, the better." Alex grinned. "So where's your car?" Marissa pointed to a limo parked right in front of the doors. Alex turned and raised her eyebrows. "That's your car?" Alex asked, disbelieving. Marissa shrugged.

"Ryan's actually. He let me borrow it." The chauffeur opened the door and the two girls slipped inside.

"He let you? What happened to we love each other, we share everything?" Alex asked. She knew she was going into forbidden territory, but she couldn't stop herself.

"Don't, Alex." Marissa said, taking a bottle of whiskey out of the cabinet and pouring herself a shot. She was about to down it when Alex took it out of her hand.

"Marissa, stop. What are you doing? You can't drink." Alex was slightly shocked, but mainly worried.

"I've been drinking for five years now, Alex. You miss a lot when your gone." Marissa reached for the bottle again, but Alex grabbed it and put it under her feet. She considered tossing it out the window. _Marissa's drinking because of me? _Alex felt guilty as hell.

"You're the one who told me to leave." Alex said, downing the shot herself.

"I know." Marissa sighed and sat back in her seat. "I know." She repeated. Alex sat back as well and the two girls sat in silence for a moment. Finally, they felt the car come to a stop. Alex rolled down the window, since they were tinted too dark to see out of.

"A gas station?" She looked at Marissa, who shrugged.

"We needed gas, I needed some junk food." She opened the car door. "You need anything?" Alex shook her head, smiling at Marissa's life-long obsession of junk food.

A few minutes later the door opened again. Marissa slipped in, holding three bags of food. She grinned wickedly, throwing one of the bags to Alex. Their previous fight was pushed into the back of both of their mids.

"Cheetos, m&ms, snickers, skittles, should I go on?" Marissa asked as Alex looked through the bag she was holding. Alex laughed at Marissa's giddiness.

"Gummi worms!" Alex grinned up at Marissa. "My favorite." Marissa smiled back.

"Yeah, I know." She said, then suddenly leaned toward the closed window separating them from the driver. She pushed a button and it slid open. Alex watched curiously as Marissa whispered something to him. The guy nodded. When Marissa sat back down Alex raised her eyebrows.

"What was that?" she asked, but Marissa shook her head.

"It's a secret." she smiled.


	11. black and blue

**CHAPTER TEN: black and blue**

Alex sat back, crossed her legs and raised an eyebrow. A move guaranteed to make Marissa melt. She smirked slightly as Marissa bit her lip and glanced out the window.

"What's the secret Riss?" Alex asked, her voice low and soft, using her old nickname for the younger girl. Marissa glanced back at Alex. She knew exactly what the other girl was doing and she also knew that it was going to work way too well. But two could play, right? Marissa stretched her legs out and crossed them at the ankle, her dress sliding away to reveal two long, long legs. She watched Alex's eyes travel down them slowly. The thing was, Marissa didn't feel used or abused like she did when some random guy looked at her, she felt gorgeous and loved and like she was all Alex's.

"It's a secret, Alex. Where's the fun in knowing what's gonna happen?" Actually, Alex didn't really care what Marissa had been talking to the driver about, but she was loving driving Marissa crazy and was loving getting driven crazy by Marissa. She slid down the seat, right next to Marissa and folded one leg under the other.

"C'mon, tell me. Don't make me beg." Alex slowly slid her hand from Marissa's knee up to her thigh, then to the inside of her thigh. Marissa glanced away outside the window, then back to Marissa. She leaned forward suddenly and kissed Alex slow and sweet, something she so shouldn't have been doing, but something she really really wanted to do.

Then the car pulled to a stop and Marissa pulled away slowly. She smiled softly when she saw Alex's closed eyes and she brought her hand up to brush away a lock of blond hair. Her smile faded when she caught sight of her gold wedding band on her finger and she dropped her hand back to her side. She turned to the door and opened it, letting in the sound of crashing waves. Alex's eyes opened quickly. She smiled at the brunette, unaware of the feelings the other girl was wrestling with.

"Is this where…", she left the sentence hanging, not quite sure how to put what had happened on the beach. Marissa nodded.

_Alex lay on the sand, her hand entwined in Marissa's, watching the sunset. She sighed happily and looked over at the younger girl, who was smiling softly. Alex glanced down at her left middle finger and Marissa moved her left hand next to Alex's. They both had identical, simple, black butterflies right there. Alex touched her finger to Marissa's and then kissed her softly._

_"I love you Marissa." Alex said softly, right in Marissa's ear. Marissa sat up and put one arm on the side of Alex. She looked down at Alex, her brown hair forming a curtain around the two girls. _

_"I love you Alex." She said, then leaned down and kissed the other girl. Alex grinned and ran her fingers through Marissa's hair._

Marissa stepped out of the car holding her hand out to Alex. Alex took it and entwined her fingers with Marissa's. Surprisingly Marissa didn't pull away. Instead, she squeezed Alex's fingers lightly, but didn't look at her.

"Come back in an hour Jack." Marissa told the chauffeur, who nodded, without even blinking at the two girls holding hands intimately. He got back in the car and pulled away. Alex was thoroughly confused. She knew how she felt. She would leave Rachel in a heartbeat for Marissa, but she wouldn't mess with Marissa's marriage if Marissa was happy. But, first Marissa had kissed her, then told her that she couldn't 'do this'. Then, she had stayed away, but slipped old memories and old feelings into their random conversations. Now, she had played 'let's see who can seduce the other one first' and out and out kissed Alex again. Now they were walking down the beach were they had first admitted love, and they were holding hands.

_What the hell? _Was all Alex could think, her hand still entwined with Marissa's. They walked down the beach, the waves lapping at Alex's feet. She looked over at Marissa, who was staring out at the last of the setting sun. Everything was quiet except for the water. Alex let go of Marissa's hand on dropped to the ground, out of the way of the water. Marissa stopped and looked down at her, considering something. Then, she sat behind Alex, putting her legs on either side of Alex, her arms around her shoulders. Alex sighed and leaned back against her.

Marissa's mind was going in way to many directions. Ryan, Alex, love, marriage, kissing her. . . she was wrestling with the feelings she held for Alex and she was losing badly. Ryan was a distant memory in the back of her head, but the one thing that was yanking her away from Alex. She could leave him, but it would break his heart, and what about the hotel? What that all she cared about? Other people's lives and feelings? What about her? What about her feelings? Her life? She looked at the blonde in her arms and kissed the top of her head. Then, she saw a freckle behind Alex's ear.

"Found that freckle." She whispered. She kissed it and felt Alex shiver in her arms. Marissa tightened her arms around her. Then, the older girl pulled out of Marissa's arms and turned to face her.

"What are we doing Marissa?" She asked, hurt and love and confusion that she couldn't keep down anymore, swimming in her eyes. Marissa's eyes flicked away, out over the beach.

"I have no idea." She admitted. "I love you Alex, so much, but I love Ryan too." Marissa finally met Alex's gaze.

"Not like this." Alex said, brushing a strand of hair out of Marissa's face. "And he doesn't love you like I love you." Alex was breaking her cardinal rule, messing with other couples. And she didn't feel one bit guilty. "If you don't want me, then just tell me to leave. And stop doing this." Marissa sat there, faced with and ultimatum. Her face was torn as well as her heart. She reached up and kissed Alex on the forehead. Alex sighed, hiding the tears forming in her eyes. She stood up, brushing sand off her jeans. "Alright." She said, and turned and left.


	12. here's to the nights

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: here's to the nights**

_**here's to the nights we felt alive**_

_**here's to the tears you knew we'd cry**_

_**here's to goodbye**_

_**tomorrow's gonna come to soon**_

Alex lay in bed, her eyes closed, her mind wide awake. She was lying on top of the covers fully clothed, having fallen on the bed when she got back to the hotel. She sighed and sat up, running both her hands through her hair. Her whole body was tingling with the memories of Marissa's touch. Alex felt like she was going crazy. She was trying to forget the fact that she would have to get up tomorrow and face Marissa. That she would have to see her all day.

She peered into the semidarkness when she heard the door to her room open. She tensed, hearing soft footsteps making their way through the living room, but suddenly relaxed, because those footsteps were familiar. They were painfully familiar, those secret steps in the dark night. She crossed her legs Indian style, waiting for the person to walk through the door. She wasn't surprised when Marissa walked in, her face streaked with tears.

_**so, tonight**_

_**so i lied**_

_**are you the now or never kind?**_

"I love you." Was all she said before she kissed Alex.

_**in a day**_

_**and a day, love**_

_**i'm gonna be gone for good again**_

She pushed Alex back against the bed, running her hands up and down the other girl's body. Alex caught one of her hands and entwined her fingers through it. Marissa held it against the bed and kissed her way down Alex's neck. She pulled her hand away slowly, trailing it down Alex's arm as she pushed Alex's shirt up and kissed her stomach. Alex closed her eyes and tangled her hands in Marissa's hair, letting go of all her doubts and worries about tomorrow. Her back arched against the bed, against Marissa's painfully familiar body.

_**are you willing to be had?**_

_**are you cool with just tonight?**_

Alex lay in bed, her arms and legs entwined with Marissa's. The clock read 2 am, but Alex couldn't seem to fall asleep. She looked down at Marissa sleeping and couldn't help but smile and tuck a strand of light brown hair behind her ear. Alex knew that tomorrow, or rather today, Marissa would go right back to Ryan and she had known that last night as well, but it didn't stop her from sleeping with Marissa. And it had been mind-blowingly amazing, like it always, always was. Marissa knew every inch of Alex's body and it showed.

Alex was exhausted, but her busy mind wouldn't let her drift off. She didn't regret the night before, but she did regret the next morning, if that made any sense. She regretted not being able to hold onto Marissa, make her see that she could leave Ryan, could live her own life. Finally, Alex closed her eyes letting sleep take away her exhaustion.

_**wanna stay**_

_**not to go**_

_**i wanna ditch the logical**_

Marissa slowly opened her eyes, not quite sure why she had just woken up. She glanced at the clock, which said 3:07, and then up at Alex who was sleeping. She looked lovely. Marissa smiled and reached up to touch Alex's nose lightly. Her smile faded slowly, knowing that she was going to leave soon.

She had come here last night. Not able to stay away, she had made some excuse to Ryan about Summer needing a baby-sitter for her and Aaron. Ryan had smiled and kissed her good-night. All the way to Alex's Marissa considered really going to Summer's, staying there all night, but she didn't seem to have control over her body and soon she had pushed floor fourteen in the hotel elevator.

The second she walked into Alex's bedroom, seen her sitting up in bed, still in jeans and a t-shirt, Marissa hadn't been able to keep from kissing her. And one thing led to another and here she was, the morning after, without the usual glow. She sighed and crawled out of bed, ignoring her aching muscles and pulled on her pj pants and tank. She pulled her jacket off a chair and turned for one more look at Alex. To her surprise the other girl was sitting up, watching her.

_**can't i stay an hour, or two**_

_**or more?**_

_**don't let me let you go**_

"I was wondering when you were going to leave." Alex said, her voice sleepy, but cold to Marissa.

"I have to-" Marissa started but Alex cut her off, with a wave of a hand.

"I know. I knew last night." Alex feigned carelessness, but neither she nor Marissa believed it. Marissa nodded anyway, letting Alex have her facade. She paused, her hand on the doorway.

_**here's a toast**_

_**to all those who hear me all too well**_

"I really do lo-" She started, but Alex cut her off angrily.

"Don't. Stop it. Your not allowed to say that. You're the one leaving." Alex voice was breaking with emotion. "Just. . . leave." Alex's anger died out with those last words. Marissa's eyes sparked with tears and Alex knew she was hurting the other girl. But Marissa was hurting her just as bad. "Go." The word was spoken softly. Marissa simply nodded and left. Alex sat in silence for a moment until she heard the front door click shut. Still she sat in perfect silence, tears spilling out of her eyes and down her cheeks.

_**here's to the nights we felt alive**_

_**here's to the tears you knew you'd cry**_

_**here's to goodbye**_

_**tomorrow's gonna come too soon**_


	13. the one that got away

**CHAPTER TWELVE: the one that got away**

Alex flashed Jeremy a smile as he strummed his guitar randomly. He really was an amazing musician, even if he was incredibly cocky and annoying. He winked back and Alex rolled her eyes, yet again. She was on auto pilot, unable and unwilling to face the world around her.

They were in the Bait Shop a couple hours before the show, doing a sound check and running through some of their more difficult songs. The other band, Panic! At The Disco, had arrived that morning and done their sound check first. Jeremy was lucky to even get one. They had barely squeezed it in. Finally, the stage manager shooed them off the stage and Jeremy hopped onto a stool next to Alex.

"What's up baby?" Jeremy asked and Alex grinned. God, he was such a loser. She felt herself being pulled back to earth.

"I am tired as shit." Alex told him and he grinned as well.

"Up all night?" he asked suggestively. Alex looked away and his grin grew.

"Ooh, who's the slut now?" Jeremy asked and Alex laughed at his words, despite the fact that what they were talking about was a really touchy fact. The fact that he could always make her laugh was a mystery to her. Alex felt, more than saw someone behind her and she turned, still smiling, to see who it was. Her smile instantly faded when she saw Marissa standing a few feet away, leaning nervously against the bar.

Alex's faded smile hurt Marissa more than anything else. She used to be the cause of Alex's smiles and now she stopped them? Marissa was tempted to turn and leave, but she didn't. Instead she tore her eyes away from Alex and forced them onto Jeremy.

"Marissa Cooper." She introduced herself, holding out her hand. Jeremy, reading the emotions running between the two girls and siding with Alex, ignored the hand and only nodded.

"You know who I am." Was his form of introduction. Alex, while thankful and touched by Jeremy's loyalty, sent him a look. If Marissa was feeling anything that Alex was, then she was going through enough hell without a hormonal artist too. Jeremy sighed and stuck out his hand.

"Jeremy Rochester." He said, shaking Marissa's hand. She handed him a sheet of paper.

"You need to read this when you get up onstage. It's information on breast cancer awareness." Jeremy nodded his understanding. "Alright then, I'll just go check on Panic and you'll be on in two hours or so." Marissa's face was blank and she turned quickly and left.

Alex watched Marissa go, feeling her heart break all over again. She should be used to it by now, she supposed. This leaving dance she and Marissa always did and the heartbreak that always came with it. Jeremy watched Alex cautiously, then jumped right in.

"So, she was your long night, am I right?" Jeremy smirked.

"She's married." Alex stated, without emotion. Her eyes flicked across the bar, nervous about even saying this out loud. Admitting it to herslef, much less to anyone else.

"So she was your long morning too?" Jeremy asked, and again, Alex couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah, I guess your right." Alex said.

Marissa looked into her purse when her cell went off. She glanced at the caller ID and sighed. Ryan. She didn't really want to talk to him, but she flipped open her phone anyway.

"Hello?" She asked in her most neutral tone.

"Hey sweetie, how was your night babysitting at the Carters?" Marissa recognized his tone of voice almost instantly. It meant that he knew she had been lying.

"I didn't go. I ended up with Alex, talking all night." Right as she said that Alex walked by with Jeremy. Alex gave her an unreadable look, then mouthed something. Marissa frowned.

"What?" She mouthed back. Alex had that nasty spark in her eye and Marissa, on instinct formed by knowledge, muted her end of the phone.

"We didn't do much talking." Alex said, loud enough for Ryan to hear. Marissa could see the other girl's hurt in her eyes. She took the mute off her phone and Alex and Jeremy continued on.

"Oh, that's good." Ryan said finally, and Marissa could tell that he was relieved. "I'm glad you two are getting along. Maybe she can come visit sometime." Ryan suggested. Panic flashed in Marissa's eyes.

"No, I think she has a pretty busy life in LA, but maybe?" Marissa's voice was doubting.

"Alright, well I was just checking on you. I've got a surprise for later. I love you." Ryan said.

"Love you too." Marissa answered, but Ryan had already hung up.

Alex dropped down onto the couch in Jeremy's dressing room and twisted open a bottle of water. She sighed, then popped an aspirin into her mouth and swallowed. Jeremy grinned and tossed her a beer.

"You might need a little buzz if you have to deal with your girlfriend all night." He winked.

"I'm gonna need more than a couple beers for that." Alex said, but took a swig anyway. "And she's not my girlfriend." She glanced up when the door opened. Ryan stood there, a smile on his face.

"Girlfriend?" He asked, amused. Alex thanked god that she hadn't told him about Rachel. Apparently he thought that Alex had met someone. "Can I meet her?" Alex shook her head.

"She's not my girlfriend." Alex said, and saw Marissa come up behind Ryan. "Jeremy is just making stuff up." Alex said, eyes locked with Marissa. Ryan shrugged. "Alright, well I'm going to go up to the third floor if you want to come up later." Alex nodded mutely and Ryan turned, then caught sight of Marissa.

"Hey honey!" He said, grinning at Marissa and hugging her. "Surprise!" Marissa had been to preoccupied to even really register that Ryan was there. She hugged him and he pulled away. She forced a smile. "Well, I'll be up in a bit." He said, eyeing her carefully, then left. Jeremy, Marissa, and Alex were left standing awkwardly in the room. Marissa nodded her head toward Jeremy.

"You told him?" She asked. Alex shook her head, not even looking at Marissa.

"No, he figured it out." Alex explained and downed another too-long sip of beer. Jeremy nodded in agreement.

"Ya'll are a little obvious." He said, flopping onto a couch. Marissa stood for a few more seconds.

"I'm going to go." She said and quickly left the room. Alex could feel tears prick her eyes, but she told herself it was just from the bitter drink in her hand.


	14. lying is the most fun

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN: **

**lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off**

The first notes of a Panic! At The Disco song started and Marissa looked around the crammed club. She should be proud of her work, she supposed, but she was focused on something else, someone else, who she was searching the crowds for from her place on the private third floor. She was up there by herself, enjoying the privacy. Someone slid their arms around her waist and Marissa turned to see her husband grinning at her.

"I was wondering where you were." Marissa tried to be happy that he was there, she really did. But truthfully she had been hoping that he had gone home.

"Had to talk to some people." Ryan smiled at Marissa and jerked his thumb behind him. "Look who I found." He said and Marissa peered around his shoulders.

Alex had hung back behind Ryan on their way up the stairs. She had seen Marissa's eyes flicking through the crowd and she had known exactly who the younger girl had been looking for. Her. The problem was, Alex didn't want to be found. She watched Ryan slide his hands around Marissa's waist and remembered her hands there hours ago. She watched Marissa turn, not really pleased that Ryan was there, and she watched Ryan be completely clueless.

Then Marissa looked over Ryan's shoulder and their eyes met. Alex raised an eyebrow suggestively, daring Marissa, challenging her, needing her. Marissa's eyes flicked back to Ryan's face and Alex glanced away, out at the crowd. She walked over to the railing where Marissa had been leaning. Ryan let go of Marissa and moved to her right side, Alex on her left. They all leaned against the railing.

"Hey." Alex nudged Marissa's elbow and watched the other girl bit her lip at the contact. Then Marissa turned her head and flashed Alex a nervous, yet real smile. She was expecting a cold, unresponsive Alex, but Alex was tired of caring and thinking. She just started acting.

"Hey." She said and Alex looked back at the crowd. She could flirt, but she couldn't be civil to Marissa quite yet. A new song started.

_**is it still me that makes you sweat?**_

_**am i who you think about in bed?**_

_**when the lights are dim and your hands are shaking,**_

_**as your sliding off your dress?**_

Alex pushed herself up off the rail and turned toward the room behind them that was filled with food and Newport yuppies. Not exactly Alex's cup of tea, but she was to preoccupied to care. Plus, this song was strangely fitting for her and Marissa and was forcing her to think of things she didn't want to. She could feel herself getting frustrated. She couldn't stand to be anywhere near Ryan right then.

_**well then think of what you did **_

_**and how i hope to god he was worth it**_

_**when the lights are dim and your heart is racing,**_

_**as your fingers touch your skin.**_

Marissa could barley feel Ryan's hand her waist, but her shoulder where Alex had nudged her minutes ago was still tingling. She glanced behind her where Alex was walking into the room behind them. Marissa knew it was wrong and she was so tired of knowing it. She knew it, she ignored it, and then she regretted it. It was like a never ending cycle that just ended up with her and Alex getting their hearts torn out. She tore her eyes away from Alex and pulled Ryan closer.

_**I've got more wit**_

_**a better kiss**_

_**a hotter touch**_

_**a better fuck**_

_**than any boy you'll ever meet**_

_**sweetie you had me**_

Alex glanced back at Marissa who was pulling Ryan closer to her. For some reason this made Alex more jealous than anything else. It was an old feeling, this jealousy. Years old and yet it still stung as fresh as ever. Alex knew she was so much better for Marissa than Ryan was. It wasn't a delusion, a wish, or a promise, it simply was what it was. Alex and Marissa would always be made for each other, no matter who tried to stand in their way. Not that that was stopping either of them from trying to move on.

_**girl i was it, look past the sweat**_

_**a better love deserving of**_

_**exchanging body heat in the passenger seat**_

_**no no no, you know it will always just be me**_

Marissa glanced up at Ryan when he pulled away. He smiled down at her, taking his arm off her shoulders.

"I'm going to get something to drink. You want something?" He asked. Marissa nodded. God yes, she wanted lots of somethings to drink. Thank god Ryan didn't know about her drinking problem. He walked off and Marissa felt someone come up behind her. She didn't even turn.

"What do you want Alex?" She asked, so tired of all this.

_**lets get these teen hearts beating faster faster**_

_**so testosterone boys and harlequin girls**_

_**will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?**_

"I thought the two of you were friends." Came a slightly amused voice from behind Marissa. A slightly amused male voice. Marissa turned and then smiled when she saw Seth Cohen behind her, his arm around Anna. Marissa flicked her hand.

"Just for Ryan's sake." She admitted to them. Anna nodded.

"Nice party." She commented, looking down at the mosh pit below them. Seth nodded in agreement.

"Where's Emma?" Marissa asked, talking about the Cohen's little dark haired two year-old.

"Home." Anna said, smiling at the mention of her gorgeous little daughter.

"With a baby sitter." Seth added. Marissa raised her eyebrows.

"Obviously." She smiled, then caught sight of Alex talking to some hot chick by the food table. "Just a second." She excused herself and headed toward Alex, barely even thinking about it.

_**so i guess we're back to us**_

_**oh cameraman, swing the focus! **_

_**in case i lost my train of thought**_

_**where was it we last left off?**_

_**lets pick up pick up**_

Marissa's mind jumped back onto Alex, after the much needed break of talking to the Cohens. She was walking toward Alex, but she had no idea what she was going to do once she got there. At the last second she swerved to the left and grabbed a plate. She stood right behind Alex, slowly piling food onto her plate, trying to hear whatever the two girls were talking about. She hated how Alex took over all her normal social actions and somehow twisted them toward herself. But it wasn't Alex's fault.

_**Oh now I do recall**_

_**we were just getting to the part. . . **_

_**where the shock sets in**_

_**and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you sick**_

Alex was talking to some really hot girl who was funny, nice, and sweet, but her mind was elsewhere. But it wasn't like they were going to do anything, after all, Alex already had Rachel. Then, Alex caught sight of a perfectly manicured finger to her left on the table and had to hold back a sigh. _Marissa. _she thought. She flashed a grin to the girl she was talking to and pointed over the girl's shoulder.

"I think someone's trying to get your attention." Alex said and the girl turned and left. Alex grabbed a plate from her right. She turned and brushed shoulders with Marissa, who was standing next to her.

"Jealous?" Alex asked.

_**I hope you don't expect to get all the attention**_

_**lets not get selfish**_

_**did you really think I would let you kill this chorus?**_

Marissa glanced over at Alex who was leaning next to her, accidentally on purpose keeping contact by brushing shoulders.

"Jealous? Me? Nope." Marissa lied. She dropped a mini quiche onto her plate.

"So that isn't why you're over here eavesdropping?" Alex asked. Marissa shook her head. "Don't bullshit me Cooper." Alex said, tired of their games.

"Fine." Marissa admitted. "I was jealous. I was angry, frustrated, out of my mind jealous. How are you going to fix it?" Alex shrugged.

"I'm not." She said.

_**Lets get these teen hearts beating, faster faster**_

_**so testosterone boys and harlequin girls**_

_**will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?**_

_**So testosterone boys and harlequin girls**_

_**will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?**_

"Your going to fix it yourself or your going to live with it, because you turned me down." Alex continued. Marissa stopped pretending to put food on her plate and turned to look at Alex.

"You didn't give me much choice." She said angrily.

"No, _you _didn't give you much choice." Alex corrected her. "I would have given you anything." Marissa looked at her, disbelieving, and Alex turned to look into her eyes. "You're scared." She said.

_**dance to this beat**_

_**dance to this beat**_

_**dance to this beat**_

_**lets get these teen hearts beating faster faster**_

Marissa's eyebrows raised. "Of what?" She asked.

"Me. Us." Alex said. "Of what we could be. You're scared and you feel safe with Ryan, because he's normal. Because he's accepted." Alex explained. Her voice calm and controlled, hushed, but her eyes raging with hurt and love and anger. "You're scared and you won't let go. You know that I'm the one for you, but you won't believe it. I'm better and I'm all yours."

_**I've got more wit,**_

_**a better kiss,**_

_**a hotter touch, **_

_**a better fuck**_

_**than any boy you'll ever meet **_

_**sweetie you had me**_

Marissa paused, shocked at the words that were coming out of Alex's mouth. They were oddly familiar, truths that had raced through her mind, but slipped away when she tried to realize them. She knew Alex was right and she hated herself for it, but that was who she was.

"Okay, then what so you want me to do about it?" Marissa asked. "I can't help it, I can't stop it. What do I do?" Their voices were low whispers among the loud cries around them, barely heard by each other and certainly no one else.

_**girl I was it, look past the sweat**_

_**a better love deserving of **_

_**exchanging body heat in the passenger seat**_

_**no no no you know it will always just be me**_.

Alex shrugged. "That's not my problem." She said. Marissa shook her head.

"No. No, it's exactly what your problem is, because my problems are your problems. That's just who we are. That's a perfect example of what we are, together or apart. My problem is your problem." Marissa explained and Alex sighed, frustrated.

"But I don't want it to be my problem. It shouldn't be my problem. It should be all yours. I can't help but take it on." Alex said, her voice frustrated

_**Lets get these teen hearts beating, faster faster**_

_**so testosterone boys and harlequin girls**_

_**will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?**_

_**So testosterone boys and harlequin girls**_

_**will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?**_

Their voices sped up, getting angrier and angrier, but managing to stay quiet. Their emotions were sweeping them away and only the loud and obnoxious party was keeping them grounded.

"So let go." Marissa said. "Go away again and let me go." Marissa said.

"That doesn't help any." Alex said, tears pricking her eyes, because even though she knew that Marissa didn't mean it, here was the love of her life, telling her to go away. To leave her alone. "I should know. I spent five years missing you."

_**so testosterone boys and harlequin girls**_

_**dance to this beat**_

_**so testosterone boys and harlequin girls**_

"Well, I didn't miss you. I don't love you Alex. You just need to move on." Marissa said and she couldn't believe the words coming out of her mouth. Here was the girl she had loved and wanted and missed and anguished over for five entire years and she was telling her she hadn't missed her, hadn't loved her. She could see hurt flash across Alex's face, but it was quickly hidden.

"Fine." Alex said, her voice cold and hard. "I will leave, again. And this time I'm not coming back." She put her plate down on the table and turned and left.

_**dance to this beat**_

_**and hold a lover close**_

_**lets get these teen hearts beating faster faster**_

Marissa had to hold in every instinct she had, every voice in her mind screaming to run after Alex. But she didn't.

"Hey." Ryan said walking up and Marissa almost couldn't bear to look at him. "I saw Alex run off. She looked like she was crying. Is everything okay?" Marissa's eyes were fixated on the spot she had last seen Alex. _Crying. _The word echoed in her brain. She made Alex cry. _She_ had made _her_ fucking cry. She felt that familiar well of tears building up in her chest, egged on by Ryan's innocent, unknowing words.

"Home stuff." She managed to choke out. Ryan nodded, Marissa felt like she was in a tornado, everything swirling around her to quickly for her to grasp any of it. To change any of it. Ryan handed her a drink. Marissa took it and downed the whole thing. Oh god, she couldn't even think of what the rest of her life was going to be like. It seemed to stretch on forever and ever. And she could think of nothing to live for. Alex had been her everything.

No, her only thing.


	15. twice as hard

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN: twice as hard**

Alex stood in the airport, watching the board change. Her cell phone buzzed and she pulled it out. Rachel.

"Hey honey." Alex answered. She could almost see the other girl's smile.

"Alex! How was your trip?" Rachel asked. Alex headed toward her gate.

"It was okay. . . stressful." Alex admitted, taking a seat in one of the waiting chairs.

"Aw, honey I'm sorry. I missed you so much." Rachel said and Alex smiled a little.

"Me too." She lied blatantly. "What are you doing?" Alex took the subject off of her.

"I'm driving to work. Want me to pick you up at the airport?" Rachel asked sweetly.

"Yeah, that'd be great." Alex said. "I have to go. See you later?" Alex asked.

"Yeah. I love you." Rachel said.

"I love you too", Alex returned and hung up. She slipped the phone back in her pocket. Her thoughts drifted. She had found since her fight with Marissa that she didn't think of the brunette all the time. No, she thought of her feelings, her emotions, but refused to actually think of Marissa. Wouldn't even think of her name. She had blocked the other girl out, like you block a bad memory.

She didn't try to remember Marissa and, for once in what felt like her entire life, she wasn't sure if she could remember Marissa. It had killed her at first, in the dark of early morning. She had laid there, wanting so badly to call Marissa, hear her voice, becuase she couldn't remember her voice. Couldn't remember her eyes, the way her hair felt, how she tasted. But Marissa didn't want her, didn't want to hear Alex's voice, so Alex hadn't called. She had driven herself crazy, remembering Marissa's touch and the fire behind it.

She could feel her life slipping out from under her, so she cut herself off from it. Stopped trying to connect and snapped the wire tying her to Marissa and all that love. All that pain. It was easier to let go than to hold on sometimes. Those are probably the times you should hold on, but Alex didn't want to. Wouldn't do it. The stewardress called her group and Alex stood up, grabbing her carry on.

Marissa sat in the doctor's office, gripping Ryan's hands. The fight with Alex had ripped her apart and now this... she was barely dealing with what she was doing right now. No, she wasn't dealing at all. It was just there, hanging before her. They were both quiet, fraught with nervousness. Ryan flashed Marissa a reassuring, but terrified smile.

"Either way." He whispered to her. "We're going to be okay." Marissa wasn't sure that he was right. This was going to completley change their lives, whether the tests came back positive or not. For once in her life Alex wasn't her main concern. The door opened. The doctor came back in and they both looked at him expectantly.

"Congratulations." The doctor smiled at Marissa. "You're pregnant."


End file.
